Baked French Toast

1 loaf french bread

8 large eggs
2 cups half and half
1 cup milk (I use skim because I enjoy irony)
2 tbs. sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
1/4 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
dash of salt
Praline topping (recipe below)
Maple syrup (I prefer Aunt Jemima, but if you have your own maple tree or something go for it, Laura Ingalls)

Slice bread in 20 pieces. Arrange in a greased 9 x 13 pan in two layers*. Combine other ingredients until bubbly. Pour over bread. Cover with foil and refrigerate overnight.

Preheat oven to 350. (the next morning, not the night before because that would be a fire hazard)

Spread praline topping over the whole thing and bake 40 minutes. Serve with warm, maple syrup.

Praline Topping

2 sticks butter
1 cup light brown sugar
2 tbs. light corn syrup
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. nutmeg

*The two layers of bread is kind of important. If you only do one layer of bread, it gets too soggy on the bottom.

Fat Cyclist Cake

Fat Cyclist Cake

Ingredients

• 1 3/4 cup boiling water — do not put your fingers in this water, for it is hot!
• 1 cup oatmeal — regular oatmeal, not instant, you cretin.
• 1 c. brown sugar — how come it tastes so good?
• 1 c. white sugar — I have no clever comment to add to this ingredient, unless you consider this comment clever.
• 1 stick butter — No, don’t use margarine. Use butter. Margarine is gross.
• 1 tsp baking soda — I tried brushing my teeth with baking soda. Once.
• 1/2 tsp salt — Or go crazy and put in a whole teaspoonful.
• 1 3/4 cup flour — Warning: flour may contain wheat products.
• 2 eggs — From a chicken; ostrich eggs are too big, and taste nasty.
• 1 pkg milk chocolate chips, or semi-sweet if you think you are too good for regular milk chocolate chips.

Instructions
Pour the boiling water over the oatmeal and stir. It’s best if the aforementioned pouring of boiling water over said oatmeal occurs in a bowl. Stir and let set for 10 minutes. Put the butter in about 5 minutes into this ten minutes, so it can melt.

Meanwhile…

Stir together in a different bowl:

• Flour
• Baking soda
• Salt

Once the 10 minutes has elapsed…

Stir the brown sugar and white sugar into the oatmeal mixture.

Beat the eggs in a separate bowl, then stir the eggs into the oatmeal mixture.

Mix the flour mixture into the oatmeal mixture. You should now have one mixture. If you have more than one mixture, you need to reevaluate some life choices you made in your childhood.

Stir half the chocolate chips into this mixture. Do not snitch more than 5% of the chocolate chips as you do this.

Grease and flour (or, in my house, just spray with Pam) a 9 x 13 pan. Note that this is an update. Originally I said that "you should use a 9 x 9 pan. Or an 8 x 10 pan. Or a 40 x 2 pan. Something that comes out to about 80 square inches." I was guessing. I was wrong. I regret the error. I have other regrets as well, but another time, another time.

Pour the cake batter in, then sprinkle the other half of the bag of chocolate chips on top.

Bake at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes, or until the center of the cake is not a gooey mess. Let cool at least a little bit or the molten chocolate will burn the living daylights out of the roof of your mouth.

Serve warm, or at room temperature if you must. With vanilla ice cream if at all possible.

Eat.

Rejoice.

Italian Chicken Roll ups

4-6 chicken breasts, pounded to 1/4 inch thickness

Combine:
1 egg, beaten
1/2 cup sweet potatoes, pureed

Combine Separately:
1 cup seasoned bread crumbs
1/2 tsp salt (or to taste)
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese

Combine Separately:
1 cup ricotta cheese
1/3-1/2 cup sun dried tomatoes (drained and chopped)
1/2 cup artichoke hearts (drained and chopped)
1/4 cup black olives (drained and chopped)
1/4-1/2 tsp red (cayenne) pepper to taste
black pepper to taste

4 slices provolone cheese
Olive Oil

Coat pan with thin layer of olive oil.
Dip chicken breast in egg mixture and coat in bread crumb mixture.
Place on flat work surface.
Place provolone cheese on chicken.
Heap ricotta cheese mixture on provolone.
Roll chicken up and secure with a toothpick.
Place in oiled pan.
Drizzle with olive oil, or spray with cooking spray.

Bake at 400 until the chicken is golden and the cheese is bubbly, about 20 min.

Apple Pie Party Dip

1 1/3 cups peeled, cored, and diced apple
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
2 teaspoons brown sugar
2 teaspoons apricot preserves
1/8 teaspoon cinnamon

Ingredients for chips:
5 (6-inch) flour tortillas
2 tablespoons butter, melted
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1 1/2 tablespoons sugar

1. Combine all the dip ingredients in a bowl, then cover and refrigerate the mixture until chilled.
2. Brush the tortillas with butter, then cut them into wedges.
3. Arrange the wedges on a greased baking sheet, sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar, and bake at 350° F until golden brown, about 10 minutes. Let them cool before serving. Serves 4 to 6.

Onion Dip

1 (16 oz) container of sour cream
1 pkg onion soup mix
1/2 tsp Worcestershire sauce, if desired

Stir together and serve with potato chips.

Clam Dip

2 cans minced clams
1 (8 oz) package cream cheese
1 tsp onion flakes (or to taste)
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce

Drain clams, reserving juice. Mix enough clam juice into cream cheese to make it the consistency of dip. Add clams, onions flakes and Worcestershire sauce and stir well. Refrigerate overnight. Serve with crackers or potato chips.

Bacon Sausage Roll-ups

1 c. brown sugar
1 lb. bacon
16 sausage links

Cut bacon in halves. Cut sausage in halves. Wrap bacon around each sausage link and fasten with a toothpick. Place roll-ups in greased 9x13 inch pan. Sprinkle with brown sugar. Cover and refrigerate 8 hours, or overnight. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 to 45 minutes.