Easter Story Cookies

1 cup whole pecans
1 tsp vinegar
3 egg whites
pinch salt
1 cup sugar
zipper baggy
wooden spoon
tape
Bible

Preheat oven to 300 degrees (this is important, don’t wait till you’re half done with the recipe!)

Place pecans in zipper baggy and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested, He was beaten by the Roman soldiers. Read John 19:1-3.

Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 tsp. vinegar into the mixing bowl. Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross, He was given vinegar to drink. Read John 19:28-30.

Add egg whites to vinegar. Eggs represent life. Explain that Jesus gave His life to give us life. Read John 10:10-11.

Sprinkle a little salt into each child’s hand. Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus’ followers, and the bitterness of our own sin. Read Luke 23:27.

So far, the ingredients are not very appetizing. Add 1 cup sugar. Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because He loves us. He wants us to know and belong to Him. Read Psalm 34:8 and John 3:16.

Beat with a mixer on high speed for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed. Explain that the color white represents the purity in God’s eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus. Read Isaiah 1:18 and John 3:1-3.

Fold in broken nuts. Drop by teaspoons onto wax paper covered cookie sheet. Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus’ body was laid. Read Matthew 27:57-60.

Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven OFF. Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door. Explain that Jesus’ tomb was sealed. Read Matthew 27:65-66.

GO TO BED! Explain that they may feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight. Jesus’ followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed. Read John 16:20 and 22.

On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie. Notice the cracked surface and take a bite. The cookies are hollow! On the first Easter, Jesus’ followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty. Read Matthew 28:1-9.

Now, this is a story with a happy ending. Which is, in fact, not an ending at all. But a beginning.

Ranch Chicken Salad

1 bag popcorn chicken
1 package powdered ranch dressing mix (1 cup milk 1 cup mayonnaise)

romaine lettuce
iceberg lettuce
baby spinach
tomato
cucumber
carrot
green pepper
red pepper
yellow pepper
olives
any other vegetables you love
shredded cheddar cheese
croûtons
bacon bits

Mix Ranch dressing according to package and refrigerate.
Wash and chop all vegetables.
Combine in bowl.
Cook chicken in oven, until crispy.

On each plate, serve salad and top with chicken, bacon bits, cheese, croûtons and ranch dressing.

Empanadas

1 batch of Flour Tortillas uncooked.
1-2 lbs ground beef
1 Tbsp onion flakes
salt and pepper to taste
Saute beef with onion, salt and pepper until cooked through
Add:
6-8 oz La Victoria Medium Salsa
Meat should be moist but not soggy
1 can corn, drained

2 cups cheddar jack cheese, shredded

Roll tortilla dough as if making a tortilla, but slightly thicker. On one side, place a scoop of meat and top with cheese. Fold dough over, making a turnover. Press sides together with fingers or a fork. Repeat until meat is gone. Place empanadas on a greased baking tray.

Bake at 400 degrees for 12 minutes, or until brown and crispy. Serve with catsup or green salsa.

*I rarely measure the meat and cheese, so these amounts may not be correct. You might need to make more dough part way through.

Carrot Cake

Cake:

2 cups sugar
1/2 cup applesauce
1/2 cup vegetable oil
4 eggs
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
2 cups grated carrots

Mix sugar, applesauce, oil, and eggs. Sift together flour, salt, baking soda, baking powder, and cinnamon. Add to first mixture and combine. Add carrots and mix well. Pour into a greased and floured pan (sheet cake, 9 x 13) and bake at 350 degrees until done, 25 to 50 minutes, depending on the pan you use. Toothpick inserted in center should come out clean. Cake should not jiggle in pan. Cool completely.

Icing:
1 stick (1/4 pound) regular butter, softened
1 package (8 ounce) cream cheese
1 pound powdered sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla

In large bowl, cream butter and cream cheese. Add sugar and vanilla and blend. Spread on cooled carrot cake.

Baked French Toast

1 loaf french bread

8 large eggs
2 cups half and half
1 cup milk (I use skim because I enjoy irony)
2 tbs. sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
1/4 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
dash of salt
Praline topping (recipe below)
Maple syrup (I prefer Aunt Jemima, but if you have your own maple tree or something go for it, Laura Ingalls)

Slice bread in 20 pieces. Arrange in a greased 9 x 13 pan in two layers*. Combine other ingredients until bubbly. Pour over bread. Cover with foil and refrigerate overnight.

Preheat oven to 350. (the next morning, not the night before because that would be a fire hazard)

Spread praline topping over the whole thing and bake 40 minutes. Serve with warm, maple syrup.

Praline Topping

2 sticks butter
1 cup light brown sugar
2 tbs. light corn syrup
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. nutmeg

*The two layers of bread is kind of important. If you only do one layer of bread, it gets too soggy on the bottom.

Fat Cyclist Cake

Fat Cyclist Cake

Ingredients

• 1 3/4 cup boiling water — do not put your fingers in this water, for it is hot!
• 1 cup oatmeal — regular oatmeal, not instant, you cretin.
• 1 c. brown sugar — how come it tastes so good?
• 1 c. white sugar — I have no clever comment to add to this ingredient, unless you consider this comment clever.
• 1 stick butter — No, don’t use margarine. Use butter. Margarine is gross.
• 1 tsp baking soda — I tried brushing my teeth with baking soda. Once.
• 1/2 tsp salt — Or go crazy and put in a whole teaspoonful.
• 1 3/4 cup flour — Warning: flour may contain wheat products.
• 2 eggs — From a chicken; ostrich eggs are too big, and taste nasty.
• 1 pkg milk chocolate chips, or semi-sweet if you think you are too good for regular milk chocolate chips.

Instructions
Pour the boiling water over the oatmeal and stir. It’s best if the aforementioned pouring of boiling water over said oatmeal occurs in a bowl. Stir and let set for 10 minutes. Put the butter in about 5 minutes into this ten minutes, so it can melt.

Meanwhile…

Stir together in a different bowl:

• Flour
• Baking soda
• Salt

Once the 10 minutes has elapsed…

Stir the brown sugar and white sugar into the oatmeal mixture.

Beat the eggs in a separate bowl, then stir the eggs into the oatmeal mixture.

Mix the flour mixture into the oatmeal mixture. You should now have one mixture. If you have more than one mixture, you need to reevaluate some life choices you made in your childhood.

Stir half the chocolate chips into this mixture. Do not snitch more than 5% of the chocolate chips as you do this.

Grease and flour (or, in my house, just spray with Pam) a 9 x 13 pan. Note that this is an update. Originally I said that "you should use a 9 x 9 pan. Or an 8 x 10 pan. Or a 40 x 2 pan. Something that comes out to about 80 square inches." I was guessing. I was wrong. I regret the error. I have other regrets as well, but another time, another time.

Pour the cake batter in, then sprinkle the other half of the bag of chocolate chips on top.

Bake at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes, or until the center of the cake is not a gooey mess. Let cool at least a little bit or the molten chocolate will burn the living daylights out of the roof of your mouth.

Serve warm, or at room temperature if you must. With vanilla ice cream if at all possible.

Eat.

Rejoice.

Italian Chicken Roll ups

4-6 chicken breasts, pounded to 1/4 inch thickness

Combine:
1 egg, beaten
1/2 cup sweet potatoes, pureed

Combine Separately:
1 cup seasoned bread crumbs
1/2 tsp salt (or to taste)
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese

Combine Separately:
1 cup ricotta cheese
1/3-1/2 cup sun dried tomatoes (drained and chopped)
1/2 cup artichoke hearts (drained and chopped)
1/4 cup black olives (drained and chopped)
1/4-1/2 tsp red (cayenne) pepper to taste
black pepper to taste

4 slices provolone cheese
Olive Oil

Coat pan with thin layer of olive oil.
Dip chicken breast in egg mixture and coat in bread crumb mixture.
Place on flat work surface.
Place provolone cheese on chicken.
Heap ricotta cheese mixture on provolone.
Roll chicken up and secure with a toothpick.
Place in oiled pan.
Drizzle with olive oil, or spray with cooking spray.

Bake at 400 until the chicken is golden and the cheese is bubbly, about 20 min.